Seconds of Midlife anyone?

Since April the 25th I’ve lost nearly 5 stone. However, it amazes me sometimes when catching up with colleagues and friends that after a while they go mmm have you lost a couple of pounds recently. Yes and a couple of spare legs as well.

They say you are as old as the person you feel first thing in the morning. The answer depends on either how you are feeling or who you are feeling and ranges between 16 and the wrong side of 100 for many of us. Of the many answers to that question there is one important one, that are the beginning of the year I was 53 and a half, some nine and half years older than my true age. The onset of family life brought on a period 9 days longer that WW2 where my wife and I were sleep deprived, socially isolated, and physically inactive.

Many of you will know that and this talk is a further look around the midlife landscape. I don’t regret my children and wife, but I was not ready for the unforeseen consequences. I am a married middle aged male –what’s funny in that yet it is a goldmine for jokes. Have you ever noticed that comedians are always first on the scene of a disaster.  Faster than the official ones I reckon

Coolidge effect

… an old joke about Calvin Coolidge when he was President … The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” Upon being told, President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ! the same today, yesterday, and forever.

Testosterone decline

Close cohabitation between the sexes with babies leads to a slump in male testosterone of greater than 30%. That slump costs a man a lot of his mental and physical vitality. All sensory stimuli diminish with colours becoming greys and tastes becoming bland. Enter the stereotypical grumpy old man with pot belly and spare tyre.

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.” The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today

I am blessed with a mother-in-law

She lives nearby! She has always found a way to live nearby. My parents adopted the very wise maxim that a  family are best if they are close but live very far apart. They fled to Malta and my siblings to the channel Islands. It can’t just be my aftershave.

What is it with the husband mother in law dynamic. Jokes are legion. I bought her a chair for her 80th, but they would not let me plug it in. On enquiring if he wished to pay to return his late mother in law body to the UK or bury her locally in Jerusalem he said one man rose from the dead so I can’t risk burying her locally.

In truth my wife finds herself split between my burlesque raunchy show girl and her mother’s cotton socks little daughter.  That is an odd conflict.

Did you know that one of the hottest surging groups for STD is amongst those living in sheltered housing.  The decreasing pool of men in that age group find their services in greater and greater demand.  It adds a twist to the maxim never before has so much been owed by so many to so few. My mother-in-law lives in sheltered housing with a man friend she dominates.

The mother-in-law effect comes down to a play on the quote that “In marriage men seek a maid in the house, an angel in the kitchen, a lady with the children, and a whore in the bedroom” A strong mother-in-law means they the angel get sent to the bedroom sending the whore off to keep house, sending the maid off to the children leaving the lady off to look elegant in the kitchen.


My life and marriage are not violent angry places to be quite the opposite, At quieter times with the kids playing by themselves in the summer sun it is peaceful.  In fact rest-in-peace is a frighteningly apt description.  Statistically, boredom is a greater threat to marriage than violence or cheating.  The most likely evidence of ‘unreasonable behaviour’ is posting something original and interesting on a member of the opposites sexes Facebook page or intelligently responding to something they say.

To describe my wife and I as tired over familiar hormonal sisters would describe how passionate we were. However, being told by your erotic other half that they love you like a sister is a killer. That turns blood almost as cold as “Darling I’ve been thinking….”

Do any of you remember the 1920s-1960s dance marathons. Couples would dance arm in arm and practically learn how to sleep on their feet until the very early hours.  Thirty hours was a typical result but Mike Ritof and Edith Boudreaux danced for 5152 hours from Aug 29, 1930-to April 1, 1931.

Like the marathon dancers, a life and a marriage is idyllically in a very very dangerous place. Any unexpected imperfection or surprise no matter how small will cause a imploding collapse. Something needs to change, but that’s another story.

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